


"Statistically Unlikely" My Ass

by RizGriz



Series: Fight For Your Future [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves-centric, Diego needs friends, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eudora Patch-centric, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Kinda, LGBTQ Character of Color, Meet-Cute, Mutual Pining, Play Fighting, Police, Police Officer Diego Hargreeves, Police Officer Eudora Patch, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Racism, Racist Language, Sexism, Sexist Language, Slow Burn, eudora and diego become friends, police training
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26243227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RizGriz/pseuds/RizGriz
Summary: Police Academy is the single thing Diego has put all his hopes and dreams into, so now that he's actually here, in training, why does it feel like he's not where he belongs?Aka: Diego finally joins the police academy but it's not what he thought. the bright side? he might just become friends with the kick-ass girl in his class. But everyone else totally still sucks.btw, this isn't gonna be cop friendly, so yeah, acab
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves & Eudora Patch, Diego Hargreeves & The Hargreeves
Series: Fight For Your Future [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1775503
Comments: 7
Kudos: 46





	1. The Girl From Recruitment

**Author's Note:**

> you might be like "where's aaron?" to which i say "the fic explaining his relationship with diego is coming, but so, diego isn't cheating or anything"
> 
> you might also ask "where have you been?" to which i say "i'm a depressed bitch and this is progress"
> 
> on with the show!!

Twenty-five of them stood in straight rows awaiting instructions from the CO. The CO in question glowered at them, staring with utter contempt as if each and every one of them had personally wronged him. Diego felt oddly at ease. Not physically, he knew better than to show any form of weakness in front of a superior, but the familiarity of it made him feel confident in his choice to join. 

“I don’t like you, any of you. Each and every one of you will need to prove to me that you deserve to be liked.” the CO said, eyes scanning the group. “You are not cops, in fact, none of you are even training to be cops. Today, and the next few days, will be solely to find out if you are capable of being trained. The weak will be weeded out and turned away!” 

His voice was deep and commanding, Diego guessed the man was former military. He had worked with some special ops teams as a teen and all the leaders gave off the same dignified presence.

“Today we will start testing your knowledge and physical ability.” he said, moving to walk down the center of the group. He stopped next to Diego, turning as if to speak to him. “I refuse to have failures in my training precinct.”

The air from the man’s breath chilled the freshly cropped hair at the back of Diego's head. Father had done that whenever he wanted to make a point particularly clear. Diego kept his eyes locked onto the wall ahead of him.

“Follow me in an orderly fashion into the testing room.” he said, walking past Diego. At the Academy, they had all easily fallen into order by number, muscle memory since toddlerhood. However, it seems no one here understood the idea of ‘orderly.’

Eventually they filed out of the conference room, making their way down the hall, around a corner, and into a classroom. A large whiteboard sat on one wall, small folding tables with two chairs at each were lined up into three columns. Diego made his way to one of the tables slightly further back in the room and off to the left. His eyes caught on a young woman quickly scanning the room to decide who to partner with. She was the woman from the police station.

She seemed to settle on sitting next to Diego, taking the seat on his right. Neither of them said anything, just sharing a quick glance and a tight smile. 

“My name is Deputy Miller and you will refer to me as such.” Deputy Miller said as everyone settled down. “I am going to hand out your first test and you will begin as soon as you receive the paper.”

A hefty stack of papers began being passed down each row.

````

After the written test was done the group was ushered out into a large, empty patch of pavement. It was old and clearly only used for training if the way it was closed in by a fence was any sign. Diego recognised the equipment set up for them. It was weighted backpacks, pull up bars, climbing ropes hanging from a frame, and severely distance markers.

“You will all go through fitness evaluation,” Miller said loudly, pacing in front of the group. “Just remember that this isn’t gym class where you can fuck around or get out of running because of your special lady time. This is the real world!” he yelled.

Diego kept his confusion masked but inside he didn’t understand why he had said something about menstruation cycles. Father had always made sure Allison had what she needed but never allowed her to be sidelined because of it, she was too important to the team.

“The person you are standing next to will be your buddy through today's physical evaluation,” Miller said. “Now you will all run ten laps around this lot! Partners stay together!”

The woman from the police station gave him a tight look, apparently they were partnered. They both took off at a steady pace, skirting against the chain link fence. He let her set the pace. She had good timing and rhythm and they ended up towards the front of the pack. A whistle blew and everyone came to a stop.

Miller began telling pairs where to go, other officers already standing at each station with a clipboard and a whistle. 

A tiny part of Diego had always hated Vanya's whistle. The woman and him were sent to the pull up bar first. Luther had always flaunted his prowess at pull ups so naturally Diego despised them and did everything in his power to beat luther. 

“You, go.” the officer said, nodding to Diego. He moved forwards taking a steady stance under the bar. The whistle was blown again and he jumped up, knuckles white from his grip. Allowing his mind to click into that trance-like state, Diego's body naturally went into the stiff, perfect posture Father demanded.

He let the familiar feeling of being watched settle, let it wash over him like a wave, ground him. Pulling up again and again and again, Diego's eyes stayed trained on the bar as he rhythmically came up to meet it. His mind had just started to really quiet down when the whistle blew again and he dropped from the bar. 

Glancing over to the officer, he was met with an approving nod. The woman he was partnered with was waved up to the bar and the whistle blown again.

Her form was average but she let herself fall when coming down, it made her grip shift and pulled at her shoulders in a way that must be uncomfortable. The set of her jaw was sturdy, she was determined and resolute. None of the other trainees had that kind of purposeful intensity, that spark of stubbornness. 

````

Everyone was dismissed at four pm, most of the recruits poorly hiding their excitement to leave, so Diego had time to dick around the city for a while before Al would expect him back. Walking down the street, kicking at loose bits of gravel, Diego caught sight of the woman he’d been buddied up with. She was talking on a pay phone, hands cupped around the receiver, shoulders tense, eyes darting around like the conversation was making her antsy. 

Diego hung back, shifting his bag casually like he wasn't waiting for her to get off the phone. He scuffed at the concrete with his new sneakers, well, new to him. Al had told him quiet bluntly that, ‘wearing those private school cloggs would be a shit show’ but Diego refused anything new so when a fairly new pair of black converse showed up in the lost-n-found at the gym, Al shoving them at Diego with some cash to get new laces, he’d been suspicious but they were so much more comfortable than his old shoes. 

Unfortunately the only laces left at the corner store were baby pink, but whatever, Klaus would adore the conjecture of it all--Diego wearing mostly black, including shoes, with pastel pink bows lacing up his shoes. Of course Luther would remind Diego that pink laces were against Academy dress code, Umbrella Academy that is, let alone the converse themselves. Allison would probably give him a look that said ‘I want those, wanna trade for something?’ 

Glancing up, Diego saw the woman hang up the phone. As naturally as possible, he walked up to her. It was simple, just focus his inner Aaron and don’t be creepy.

“Hey, I never got your name.” Diego said, she had started walking away from the pay phone so he matched her pace, keeping a polite distance between them.

“Patch,” she said, giving him a glance. “You?”

“Diego!” he said probably a little too enthusiastically by the look she shot him. He stuck out his hand. She gave him a quick handshake, still regarding him with twisted lips. Not quite a scowl.

“Diego what?” she asked expectantly.

“Ah,” he stumbled over his own feet a bit. “Diego hargreeves.”

“Well Hargreeves, you didn’t totally suck as a training buddy.” Patch said simply. He stopped walking at her statement, falling behind a few paces before catching up.

“‘Didn’t totally suck?’ what’d I do wrong?” 

“I could feel you staring and also, you were totally holding back when we were running.” she said offhandedly. He could see her glancing to gauge his reaction, clearly amused with herself. 

“Well first off, iIm used to way more intense training than that so I figured I’d let you set the pace, but whatever, and also your form is shit, so, yeah.” he probably shouldn’t have insulted her form. She whipped around to give him a scathing look, one kinda like Allison would give Klaus when he ‘borrowed’ her nail polish. Again.

“Oh? My form was shit? Do explain since you’re the expert,” Patch said, lips twisting as she crossed her arms.

“Well since you asked, you kept dropping yourself during the pull ups, and you need to keep your back straight when you do sit up, and you rely on your right side too much so you wear yourself out faster.” Diego said. A weird, uncomfortable silence fell between them, the street still alive with the hustle bustle of people who had no idea how much Diego was certain he’d fucked up.

“Is that so?” she said, sarcasm poured through her voice. “Says who?”

“Says fifteen years of training critiques from my father,” Diego said, a tiny bit of bitterness leaking through.

“Well, I guess the master is just gonna have to show me how it's done, since I’m clearly stuck with you for training.”

“Why would you be stuck with me?” he asked because as awesome as it would be to keep buddying up with Patch, he wasn’t gonna make her buddie with him. She shot him a look that he imagined said ‘bitch, please’ like Aaron's brother, Jefferson, had said that one time.

“You seem the least assholish out of all the assholes in there, I mean, you’re whole thing was with my form. Not gonna get that with any of those other guys back there,” she said in a knowing tone.

Suddenly something clicked into place in his brain.

“You’re the only girl in the class!” he exclaimed as she started walking again. “Sorry, only woman in the class.” he corrected when she shot him a sour look.

“I think you need to work on your observation skills, Hargreeves, see you tomorrow!” Patch called, meeting a car that had just pulled up to the curb and climbing inside. The person driving pulled away from the curb and shot back out into traffic before Patch had even finished closing the passenger side door.


	2. It's All Change Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eudora's first day of police academy is kinda shit. But also kinda not? Still most shit though. JJ would probably prescribe a cigarette and a shot of tequila, but he wasn't a doctor and also his life was kinda shit, so fuck that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya gurl is back with another "chapter" to give you guys!! the school year has been a mess, a disaster, and cluster-fluff if you will so i'm just happy that this chapter exists!!
> 
> Eudora may come off a little cold in this chapter, but let's be honest, most of us female-seeming people aren't all that fuzzy with strange men, so yeah.
> 
> Also, Trigger Warning: this chapter does contain a look at a controlling/emotionally abusive relationship. Everything after the astric contains this content and I'll be leaving a summary at the end if you wanna just skip that bit.

Basically the whole class was officially full of assholes. She could tell just by the glances being shot her way. Only two of the guys hadn't looked at her, and Eudora couldn't help but notice they were the only guys in the class who weren't white. 

Being an afro-latina woman definitely didn't help her in life, and it wouldn't help her in the police academy. Already, the CO had singled her out before the physical portion, for "special lady time" no less. 

_ ‘Asshole _ ,’ she thought.

One of the not asshole guys got partnered with her. His face was sharp, shoulders set, back straight. There was something bright in his eyes that didn’t match the posture. He was young but it was obvious this was where he wanted to be. And weirdly enough, he seemed confused when the CO made his asshole comment. 

But then they started laps. And he was holding himself back. Matching pace with her, he seemed content just following her lead.

_ ‘Okay, so maybe he isn't an asshole, but he definitely doesn't think I'm capable _ .’ 

The criminology major in her couldn't help but notice the way his eyes got unfocused and his body went rigid during every other exercise. Every movement was methodical, planned, practiced. 

~

Her body had that good post-workout burn when they got dismissed for the day. The weeks of preparation had paid off, getting her ahead of the bulk of the class.

She dug around in her backpack for the spare change she’d dumped in yesterday. Not far from the police building was a line of old payphones.

Eudora tried not to think about how sticky the payphone was, cradling it away from her mouth. 

It rang a few times on the other end before JJ picked up.

"I'm on my way, babe!" He said with a harsh edge.

"I just wanted to check, that's all," Eudora said. Everything with JJ was always a battle.

"I told you I was gonna pick you up, so just lay off." JJ spit.

"Just wasn't sure if your boss would let you out early," there was a strange silence on the line. "He did let you out, right?"

"I told you I was gonna pick you up, so I'm picking you up."

"I-okay, thanks," she said softly. Fighting with JJ wouldn't get her anywhere. The line clicked, leaving Eudora to hang up the receiver. 

Vaguely, Eudora felt someone watching her, approaching from behind as she walked away from the phone. Turning to see, she recognized the guy she'd been buddied with. 

"Hey, I never got your name!" He seemed way too excited, but stayed far enough away, like he was cautious. 

"Patch," she said evenly, glancing over his form. Pink shoelaces? That's something you didn't see guys wearing everyday. "You?"

"Diego!" Again seeming way too happy. He stuck out his hand, so she gave it a quick shake.

"Diego what?" Eudora asked. First names weren't really her thing, last names kept everything professional. 

“Ah, Diego Hargreeves. " he said cagily. That's weird.

"Well, Hargreeves, you didn't totally suck as a training buddy." She said lightly. His pace faltered.

“‘Didn’t totally suck?’ what’d I do wrong?” it was kind of cute how he genuinely looked like he cared. 

“I could feel you staring and also, you were totally holding back when we were running.” she said like it didn’t matter, like she could care less. To be fair, she didn’t care, but she also didn’t trust strange guys as far as she could throw them. It never hurt to be careful. 

“Well first off, I'm used to way more intense training than that so I figured I’d let you set the pace, but whatever, and also your form is shit, so, yeah.” he said in a friendly tone. He must have siblings, Eulalia and her used to make little wisecracks like that all the time.

She turned quickly. His pace stopped instantly and he looked the tiniest bit sorry.

“Oh? My form was shit? Do explain since you’re the expert,” Patch said, lips twisting as she crossed her arms. If he wanted to talk the talk he was gonna have to walk the walk too.

“Well since you asked, you kept dropping yourself during the pull ups, and you need to keep your back straight when you do sit up, and you rely on your right side too much so you wear yourself out faster.” Hargreeves said. 

Both of them fell quiet, people moving around them mindlessly. He suddenly looked like he’d rather be anywhere else, his face getting all young and sheepish. How old was he?

“Is that so?” she said, a little sharper then she meant. His face hardened, the bright youth leaving his eyes in an instant. “Says who?” she pushed.

“Says fifteen years of training critiques from my father,” he said. He sounded… regretful? Whether it was regret or bitterness, she didn’t care all that much.

“Well, I guess the master is just gonna have to show me how it's done, since I’m clearly stuck with you for training.” 

“Why would you be stuck with me?” he asked. She shot him look that boiled down to ‘are you always chronically stupid?’ It clearly didn’t survive translation because he just tilted his head the tiniest bit in confusion.

“You seem the least assholish out of all the assholes in there, I mean, you’re whole thing was with my form. Not gonna get that with any of those other guys back there,” she said bitterly.

Suddenly it was like a fuse popped in his brain and his eyes went a little wide. Maybe she should have left him stupid.

“You’re the only girl in the class!” he exclaimed as she turned away from him. It took him a few paces of thinking to correct himself. “Sorry, only woman in the class.” he said,  _ sorry _ written across his face.

She saw JJ’s car dart into a fire lane a dozen paces ahead.

“I think you need to work on your observation skills, Hargreeves, see you tomorrow!” Dora called, before climbing into the car and getting a death grip on the dashboard as JJ sped back into traffic.

*****

“Who’s that guy?” JJ asked haughtily. 

“Just some guy I got paired with in class,” she could tell he was about to go on a tangent so she added, “he’s practically a baby, Lord knows who let him sign up.”

“Wha’d you need a buddy for?” he asked, his tone just barely lighter. 

“Just the exercises and stuff,” she said, tucking her backpack between her legs, grabbing the dash again as he sped to make it through a light before it turned. “So how was work?”

“Shit just like fuckin’ ussual.” he said digging through his jacket for cigarettes. She reached over and snatched the pack from his hand, pulling the lighter and a cigarette from the beat up box.

“Done for today, or?” she asked cautiously. JJ was a bit like a tripwire, you knew the explosion was gonna happen, you just never knew what was gonna set it off. 

“What’s the fuck is with the fuckin’ second degree?” he bit out as she lit a cigarette to pass over to him.

“Nothing! Nothing!” she said. “Just wanted to know what the plan was, if I should make some dinner or something.”

“You gotta get that stick out of your ass and stop ‘planning’ everything,” he talked with the cigarette between his lips, rolling down his window. “That’s what’s wrong with you, Dorie.”

“Yeah, I guess,” she breathed out. Sitting back in her seat, she let the cold wind whip across her face and tangle her hair. There was always something wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Eudora gets into the car with a man named JJ who seems to be her boyfriend. He questions her about Diego and overall acts like she is always nagging him even though her thoughts and questions are completely reasonable. As well, Eudora spends the whole time trying not to upset him.
> 
> If anyone is interested, I've got two other Diego fics, one is going to become a series the other is gonna be a mini series, so pop over to my profile to check those out, just head the tags please!
> 
> Questions, Concerns, Constructive Criticism? Leave A Comment, It Means The World To Me!!

**Author's Note:**

> any intrigue? any theories? and thoughts? well i'mma thot who could use some more thoughts so drop a comment!
> 
> also, my dad's middle name is miller and he couldn't think of a good last name for an asshole white guy so i just used that


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